Gambling One Liners
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: 'If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.' I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, 'I have an ace and a six. Quotes and One Liners humorous one-liners, quotations, last words, Murphy's Laws & more. Payout percentages are determined by independent auditing companies to Gambling Jokes One Liners state the expected Gambling Jokes One Liners average rate of return to a player for an online casino accepting USA Players. A 95% payout rate indicates that for every dollar your gamble, you will win 95 cents back. What NOT to do when gambling in a casino Casino Joke 01 Don’t ask casino security where the pinball machines are? Hilarious Jokes Irish Jokes Joke of the Day Jokes for Kids Knock Knock Jokes Lawyer Jokes Marriage Jokes Money Jokes Nasty Jokes One Liner Jokes Political Jokes Really Funny Jokes Redneck Jokes Religious Jokes Sex Jokes Short. Gambling and casino one-liners. I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol. Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder. I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
- Gambling Jokes One-liners
- Gambling Jokes One Liners
- Gaming One Liners
- Gambling One Liners
- Gambling One-liners
While sports betting may be on the sideline for now, online casino games have risen to the occasion and the number of people playing around the world has skyrocketed. This is because more people have been in their homes, looking for a break from Netflix, something to entertain themselves, and who want to try their luck at making a little side cash along the way. For many people, casino games have been an enjoyable and welcome escape from the mundanity of being in lockdown.
At Borgata, we believe that gambling and betting is something that should be enjoyed; it is a great way to let off some steam, have some fun, and hopefully make some money by winning jackpot slots, casino games and much more.
Here are some of our favorite gambling and casino jokes and one-liners from various sources to keep things light-hearted in trying times.
Jokes of the question and answer variety
- Q: Why is gambling banned in Africa? A: There are too many cheetahs!
- Q: Why did the British blonde bring French fries to the casino? A: She was told to bring her own chips.
- Q: What’s the difference between an online casino and a live casino? A: At an online casino, you can cry when you lose, and no one will laugh at you!
- Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: I cannot deal with you anymore!
- Q: What’s the difference between praying at a church and praying at the casino? A: When praying at the casino, you pray with all your heart!
- Q: What’s the difference between casino players and politicians? A: Casino players tell the truth sometimes.
- Q: What did the rabbit say to the lion at the roulette table? A: I’m glad you’re not a cheetah.
Poker jokes
- What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend? – Homeless.
- Santa Claus is a super easy opponent; he always checks it twice.
- Jeff was a little shy at the poker table. He didn’t want to show his hand just yet.
- Everyone said that Cody would be a wonderful maid, all he does is fold!
- The tiger was mad that he lost at poker last night. He said that this is the last time he plays with a cheetah.
Card jokes
- Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!
- What has a heart and no organs? A deck of cards!
- How does the Eskimo make a house of cards? Igloos it!
- Signs that you might have a poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.
- Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Gambling and casino one-liners
- I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol.
- Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
- I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
- Lost money betting with one of the big cats at the zoo. Think he was a cheetah.
- Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
- I gambled on a giraffe race the other day. Mine came second. Lost by a neck. It was nowhere near.
- I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.
- I used to love eating chips until I got banned from the casino.
- I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half-past three.
- Walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop. What are the odds of that?
- A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows. I think he has a gamboling problem.
- Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.
Longer stories and jokes about gambling
The Lonely Punter
My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
The Speech Impediment
A MAN with a speech impediment rushed up to a bookmaker after the fifth race and said, “I bbbbacked a ffffive tttt …”
The bookie interrupted him before he could finish.
Gambling Jokes One-liners
“Look, mate there was no five to one winner, so buzz off.”
Not to be deterred the punter had another go.
“Bbbbut I bbbbacked a fffffive-tttt …”
The bookie, now a bit annoyed, told him to buzz off again but the punter persisted.
When the bookie could take no more he pulled out a $20 note and gave it to the punter and said, “Now bugger off and stop annoying me.”
The punter accepted the note and reluctantly walked away before bumping into a mate, who asked him how his day was going.
“Wwwell, I … I … just met a bbbloody good bbbookie. I tttried to tttell him I bbbacked me fffive tttton ttruck into his Mer … Mercedes and he gggave me tttwenty bbbucks.”
Confucius Says
“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright
Give ’Em an Inch
I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet the 8 horse.
The 3 horse won the race ……. damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.
Do You Have a Gambling Problem?
A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1–800-GAMBLER.”
He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”
I’ll Take That Bet… To Be Sure To Be Sure
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”
“Sure,” said the American, “20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 .”
“Grand, ” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock.”
Gambling Jokes One Liners
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
Gaming One Liners
“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.
Gambling One Liners
“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money,” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?’
“Well sir”, replied the Irishman, “$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”
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We hope that you have enjoyed a little bit of lighthearted humor with our casino and gambling jokes. At times like these, we believe that keeping your spirits up is tantamount to making it through and what better way to spend your time safely at home by playing and hopefully winning, at an online casino.
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Best One Liners 😂 The Best 1 Line Jokes of All-Time
Our list of the best one line jokes of all time are curated by the bunch of comedians that make up the ADDucation team. However you can have your say by sharing your best one liners in the comments below. Make us laugh and we’ll add your best 1 liner to the main ADDucation one line jokes list.
Gambling One-liners
ADDucation Tips: Click column headings with arrows to sort best one liners. Reload page for original sort order. Resize your browser to full screen and/or zoom out to display as many columns as possible. Click the ➕ icon to reveal any hidden columns. Start typing in the Filter table box to find anything inside the table. For example to find all the best one liners about food start typing food…
| Best One Liners / One Line Jokes 😂 | Joke Source | Filter tags / topics | 1 Line Joke Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Have you heard the one about the man who kept shouting “broccoli” and “cauliflower”? He thought he might have florets. | Olaf Falafel | Food, vegetables | Swedish surrealist. Best joke at Edinburgh Fringe, 2019 #EdFringe |
| A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” | Bar, transport | ||
| If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. | Bar, money | ||
| A horse goes into a bar. The barman says “Why the long face?” | Relationships, animals | ||
| What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everybody a drink? – A fungi* to be with. | Bar, food | *Fungi* = “fun guy”. | |
| A limbo champion walks into a bar, and was immediately disqualified. | Bar, sport and think twice | ||
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. | People | ||
| I was raised as an only child – which really annoyed my sister. | Will Marsh | People, family | British comedian. |
| Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy! | Food, animals | One of the classic best one liners. | |
| Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. | Bar, food | Assaulted = a salted peanut | |
| Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else. | Relationships, people | ||
| A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” | Bar, food | ||
| I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. | Think twice, people | ||
| A dyslexic penguin walks into a bra. | Bar, clothing and animals. | There are many variations on this theme. | |
| I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out! | People, relationships and marriage | ||
| Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do I drive this thing?” | Animals, transport | ||
| I’ll never forget what my late uncle said to me, he said, I’m sorry I’m late. | Macabre, death, family | ||
| I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. | Jimmy Carr | Think twice | British comedian. |
| Venison’s dear isn’t it? | Jimmy Carr | Think twice, animals | British comedian. |
| You know what I want to try? Fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re wasting time. | Mitch Hedberg | Food, time | |
| So she phones me last night, and says “Come on over, no one’s home!” I got there, and there was no one home. | Rodney Dangerfield | Relationships | |
| A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu. | Animals | tzu = zoo. | |
| It’s hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally. | Think twice, stealing | ||
| I organized a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun. | Relationships | ||
| My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. | Rich Rogers | The internet, relationships and privacy | Tweeted 1 June 2019 |
| Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was? | Animals, food | ||
| I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that. | Mitch Hedberg | Relationships | |
| I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. | Jack Handey / Bob Monkhouse | Macabre, people | |
| Spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more. | Pete Firman | People, jobs | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 #EdFringe |
| Did I already tell you the Déjà vu joke? | Think twice | ||
| I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. | Motoring, addiction | One of ADDucation’s favorite best one liners. | |
| “We don’t serve time travelers here,” said the bartender. A time traveler walks into a bar. | Bar, time travel | ||
| I told a friend of mine I liked Beyoncé. She said “Whatever floats your boat”, I said “No, that’s buoyancy…” | Music, celebrity, nautical | ||
| Ok, so what if I don’t know what Armageddon means it’s not the end of the world. | Vocabulary, word play, world. | ||
| A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’ | Food, music, kitchen | One of our friend Rachel’s best one liners :/ | |
| I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down. | Animals, books | ||
| As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. | Maurice Moss | Gardening, think twice | Played by Richard Ayoade in The IT Crowd |
| What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care. | Think twice | ||
| A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar and the bartender says to them, “what is this… a joke?” | Bar, religion | ||
| No one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club – despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it… | Milton Jones | People | One of Milton Jones best one liners. |
| Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid negative numbers? He (or she) would stop at nothing to avoid them. | Maths | ||
| The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman. | Jimmy Carr | Sales | British comedian. |
| I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. | People, jobs | ||
| I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious. | Steven Wright | Home | American comedian. |
| Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis. | Jack Handey | Macabre, health | |
| The secret of getting ahead is getting started. | Mark Twain | Think twice | |
| The worst thesaurus in the world isn’t just useless, it’s useless. | Wordplay, literature | ||
| Quotation, noun: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. | Ambrose Bierce | Think twice | American writer and satirist. From: The Devil’s Dictionary |
| The world champion tongue twister just got arrested and was given a really tough sentence. | Tongue twister, language | ||
| When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. | Wordplay, shopping | ||
| I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. | Bar, wordplay and health | One of the classic best one liners ever. | |
| A short fortune teller escaped from prison – a small medium is at large. | Wordplay, prison | ||
| Besides that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the rest of the play? | Think twice, president | ||
| All those who believe in psychokinesis… raise my hand. | Steven Wright | Special powers | American comedian |
| He had a photographic memory which was never developed. | Wordplay, photography | ||
| I was watching a dog chasing its tail thinking “dogs are easily amused” and then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail. | Animals, think twice | ||
| I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?” | Family, death | ||
| I’m reading a book about anti-gravity – I can’t put it down. | Physics, science | One of the best one liners about physics. | |
| I went up to the airport information desk and said: “How many airports are there in the world?” | Jimmy Carr | Travel, planes | British comedian |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. | Wordplay, body | ||
| A woman walks into a bar and says I’d like a double entendre, so the barman gave her one. | Bar, think twice | ||
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. | Woody Allen | Death, movie quotes | Movie “Without Feathers” 1975 |
| Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t. | Bar, physics, science and think twice | ||
| The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. | Jack Handey | Wordplay, animals | |
| I’ve been happily married for four years… out of a total of ten. | Mark Watson | People, relationships | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 |
| Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference of course! | Mythology, mathematics and wordplay | ||
| The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. | Bar, grammar and time travel | One of the best one liners about time travel. | |
| I intend to live forever. So far, so good. | Steven Wright | People, life | American comedian |
| I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception. | Groucho Marx | Relationships, people | One of the classic best one liners ever. |
| The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club. | Think twice | ||
| Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask. | Jordan Brookes | Think twice, health | |
| Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. | Christmas, grammar | One of the best one liners about grammar. | |
| The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. | Demetri Martin | Think twice, health | |
| I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. | Tommy Cooper | Diets, drinks | |
| When I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. | Steven Wright | Macabre, people and family | American comedian |
| I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. | Mitch Hedberg | Sleep, health | |
| There are two secrets to success in life. First of all, don’t tell all you know… | Life & death, think twice | One of the best one liners to leave hanging… | |
| Some people say I’m too vague, but you know how the saying goes… | Think twice, people | ||
| My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that… | Stewart Francis | People, therapy | Canadian comedian |
| Conjunctivitis.org, now that’s a site for sore eyes… | Tim Vine | Think twice, eye health | |
| I bought some Armageddon beer, on the bottle it said Best before the End. | Think twice, drinks | One of the best one liners about Armageddon. | |
| Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels… | Tim Vine | Motoring, crime | |
| Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask. | Jordan Brookes | Think twice, mental health and special powers | Edinburgh Fringe, 2016 |
| ‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw. | Jack Handey | Birds, paranoia | |
| I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero? | Puzzle, think twice | ||
| I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.” | People |
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with” One of the best one liners ever by American comedian W. C. Fields.
- This list of best one liners of all time is curated by A C, last updated 30 Nov 2020.
- Do you know the original source for any of these best one liners? We want to credit the original authors wherever possible. Help us reach 100 best one liners ever by sharing your favorite one line joke in the comments below – if we like your favorite one liner we’ll add it to the main list – thank you!
During lockdown I’m updating a community centre’s Facebook page with a joke a day. Of all the one line jokes here the Bee Gees one is the only one I’m nicking – but only because I’ve already used some of the others. I believe “conjunctivitis.org” and “crime in multi-storey car parks” should both be credited to British comedian Tim Vine.
Thank you for the best one-liner you sent me – the one about the Titanic went down best
This website was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something which helped me. Thanks!
This: “A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’”… what the hell is that doing in your list? Kudos for many of the rest, but sheeshhhh!